Yesterday we found out that our baby did not have a heartbeat. Today, we said hello and goodbye to her...that is right, our baby was a beautiful baby girl.
I got to the hospital to register and there was a women in labor registering in front of my and I completely lost it. So, they didn't make me register and took me straight up to L&D. They had to do a second ultrasound to confirm it and my dr said that I was not going anywhere to do it. He brought the portable machine to my room and he did it and made radiology come to me to confirm it. I tried to hold out hope that there would be something there but there was not.
We filled out a lot of paperwork and started cytotec at 8 pm. I was to get one dose every four hours. I started cramping about three hours into it and after the second dose started having very strong contractions. My nurse had told me that usually the Dr was not present during the birth but my Dr came in and said that he was going to spend that night at the hospital and he promised me that he would be there for the birth. Around 1 am I started having strong contractions that got progressively worse. The nurse said that I would only have to dilate to a 4 or 5 and that the baby would just come out. They kept offering me Stadol but I wanted to feel everything and be able to remember exactly how everything happened. I started having back labor like I did with Nate and the contractions were right on top of each other. The nurse came in a 4 am and checked me and said that I was somehow only at a 1 but the contractions were about 2 minutes apart and off the charts. At 8 am the dr decided to double my cytotec and started talking about the possibility of a c-section. He said that the baby was too big for a D&C and I needed to see the baby and know what it was. I was miserable in pain but still refused to take any meds. My worse fear was that I would not know that it was time and would get up to use the bathroom and would have the baby in there. I made the nurse check me every time before I would get out of bed. Around 9 my Dr came in and said that he was going to take the meds out because I was in such pain and the contractions were non stop and see if my body would take over. He checked me and I was at a 4 so he felt that it would not be much longer. 9:30 I was at a 6 and he could not believe that the baby had not been born yet. They had me get up and walk around to try to get her to move down. At 10 I was dilated to a full 10 and the baby had moved down but was not coming out. I could not push because he was afraid that I would start bleeding and have to be taken to emergency surgery and was offering me the epi. I refused to take it. At 10:40 the dr decided that he was going to have to reach in and take the baby out with his hands as she was not coming out on her own. At 10:44 he said the most beautiful and most painful words I have ever heard, "the baby it out, and it is a girl". He said that the cord was very short so they clamped it off and asked if I wanted to see my baby girl.
I cannot begin to explain how scared I was at that point but she was absolutely beautiful. Brad and I got to hold her for about 30 minutes before they took her. We baptized her which was absolutely heartbreaking. The nurse was crying when she came in and said that my dr was going to take her down for me so that I was absolutely sure that she was being taken good care off. I will never forget him walking out the door with my baby. They hospital took pics of her for us and gave us a memory box with the pictures, handprints and footprints, her bracelet, a gown and hat and some books in it.
They took her for an autopsy and came back to deliver the placenta which still had not delivered itself. They started me on pitocin and nothing happened. My dr said that it was good that I had dilated to a 10 because they had to open me up and manually deliver the placenta. I got a small tear along my scar from tearing with Nate during this. They did an ultrasound which showed a blood clot so my dr went back in and got this out. He felt comfortable at that time that everything had came out.
I finally took some pain meds after it was all over to try to get some sleep. I was so confused at what I wanted to do. On one hand, I needed to get home to see and hold Nate but on the other hand it was painfully heart wrenching to think about leaving my baby girl at the hospital alone. I got released that night and came home to some very hard questions from Nate. As most of you know, he was still nursing once a day and my dr said that if he nursed at all my milk would probably come back in. (I had dried up). I did not want this so we told Nate that he could not have his duckies at least for a couple of days and he said "why, because the baby needs them?" We told him that the baby had went to heaven. He started crying and asked why and said "I just want baby Leni back in your belly so she can grow big and strong." He cried and cried. He asked if he hurt her when he jumped on me and my broken heart broke even more.
Leni Grace was born on 5/18/10 at 10:44 am. She was the most beautiful baby girl that I have ever seen. She was 2 oz and 7 inches long. I will forever cherish the time that I got to hold her and tell her how much I loved her. I would not trade all of my pain for those precious moments with her.
Leni Grace, Mommy will forever love you and remember you.
No comments:
Post a Comment