Friday, May 21, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Today was a day that no mother should ever have to experience
Today we buried our baby girl. Pulling up to that cemetery, knowing that I was burying my baby was so hard.
We had a graveside service and it was beautiful. It poured but rain is good luck in the Catholic religion. Her casket was so tiny but so pretty. It had her name and a teddy bear on it. She had a spray of pink roses and pink and white carnations. She also had an angel laying in wings statue from Nate.
The funeral home was amazing and gave us a lot of things to keep. They gave us a baby book that they had filled in her information on. The hardest thing that I have ever done in my life was walking away from my baby girl. The funeral home director promised me that they would take good care of her. No one should ever have to bury their child. No mother should ever have to walk away from there child knowing that they will never see their child on this earth again.
Mommy loves you so much Leni Grace and misses you terribly.
We had a graveside service and it was beautiful. It poured but rain is good luck in the Catholic religion. Her casket was so tiny but so pretty. It had her name and a teddy bear on it. She had a spray of pink roses and pink and white carnations. She also had an angel laying in wings statue from Nate.
The funeral home was amazing and gave us a lot of things to keep. They gave us a baby book that they had filled in her information on. The hardest thing that I have ever done in my life was walking away from my baby girl. The funeral home director promised me that they would take good care of her. No one should ever have to bury their child. No mother should ever have to walk away from there child knowing that they will never see their child on this earth again.
Mommy loves you so much Leni Grace and misses you terribly.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
The story of my Leni Grace
Yesterday we found out that our baby did not have a heartbeat. Today, we said hello and goodbye to her...that is right, our baby was a beautiful baby girl.
I got to the hospital to register and there was a women in labor registering in front of my and I completely lost it. So, they didn't make me register and took me straight up to L&D. They had to do a second ultrasound to confirm it and my dr said that I was not going anywhere to do it. He brought the portable machine to my room and he did it and made radiology come to me to confirm it. I tried to hold out hope that there would be something there but there was not.
We filled out a lot of paperwork and started cytotec at 8 pm. I was to get one dose every four hours. I started cramping about three hours into it and after the second dose started having very strong contractions. My nurse had told me that usually the Dr was not present during the birth but my Dr came in and said that he was going to spend that night at the hospital and he promised me that he would be there for the birth. Around 1 am I started having strong contractions that got progressively worse. The nurse said that I would only have to dilate to a 4 or 5 and that the baby would just come out. They kept offering me Stadol but I wanted to feel everything and be able to remember exactly how everything happened. I started having back labor like I did with Nate and the contractions were right on top of each other. The nurse came in a 4 am and checked me and said that I was somehow only at a 1 but the contractions were about 2 minutes apart and off the charts. At 8 am the dr decided to double my cytotec and started talking about the possibility of a c-section. He said that the baby was too big for a D&C and I needed to see the baby and know what it was. I was miserable in pain but still refused to take any meds. My worse fear was that I would not know that it was time and would get up to use the bathroom and would have the baby in there. I made the nurse check me every time before I would get out of bed. Around 9 my Dr came in and said that he was going to take the meds out because I was in such pain and the contractions were non stop and see if my body would take over. He checked me and I was at a 4 so he felt that it would not be much longer. 9:30 I was at a 6 and he could not believe that the baby had not been born yet. They had me get up and walk around to try to get her to move down. At 10 I was dilated to a full 10 and the baby had moved down but was not coming out. I could not push because he was afraid that I would start bleeding and have to be taken to emergency surgery and was offering me the epi. I refused to take it. At 10:40 the dr decided that he was going to have to reach in and take the baby out with his hands as she was not coming out on her own. At 10:44 he said the most beautiful and most painful words I have ever heard, "the baby it out, and it is a girl". He said that the cord was very short so they clamped it off and asked if I wanted to see my baby girl.
I cannot begin to explain how scared I was at that point but she was absolutely beautiful. Brad and I got to hold her for about 30 minutes before they took her. We baptized her which was absolutely heartbreaking. The nurse was crying when she came in and said that my dr was going to take her down for me so that I was absolutely sure that she was being taken good care off. I will never forget him walking out the door with my baby. They hospital took pics of her for us and gave us a memory box with the pictures, handprints and footprints, her bracelet, a gown and hat and some books in it.
They took her for an autopsy and came back to deliver the placenta which still had not delivered itself. They started me on pitocin and nothing happened. My dr said that it was good that I had dilated to a 10 because they had to open me up and manually deliver the placenta. I got a small tear along my scar from tearing with Nate during this. They did an ultrasound which showed a blood clot so my dr went back in and got this out. He felt comfortable at that time that everything had came out.
I finally took some pain meds after it was all over to try to get some sleep. I was so confused at what I wanted to do. On one hand, I needed to get home to see and hold Nate but on the other hand it was painfully heart wrenching to think about leaving my baby girl at the hospital alone. I got released that night and came home to some very hard questions from Nate. As most of you know, he was still nursing once a day and my dr said that if he nursed at all my milk would probably come back in. (I had dried up). I did not want this so we told Nate that he could not have his duckies at least for a couple of days and he said "why, because the baby needs them?" We told him that the baby had went to heaven. He started crying and asked why and said "I just want baby Leni back in your belly so she can grow big and strong." He cried and cried. He asked if he hurt her when he jumped on me and my broken heart broke even more.
Leni Grace was born on 5/18/10 at 10:44 am. She was the most beautiful baby girl that I have ever seen. She was 2 oz and 7 inches long. I will forever cherish the time that I got to hold her and tell her how much I loved her. I would not trade all of my pain for those precious moments with her.
Leni Grace, Mommy will forever love you and remember you.
I got to the hospital to register and there was a women in labor registering in front of my and I completely lost it. So, they didn't make me register and took me straight up to L&D. They had to do a second ultrasound to confirm it and my dr said that I was not going anywhere to do it. He brought the portable machine to my room and he did it and made radiology come to me to confirm it. I tried to hold out hope that there would be something there but there was not.
We filled out a lot of paperwork and started cytotec at 8 pm. I was to get one dose every four hours. I started cramping about three hours into it and after the second dose started having very strong contractions. My nurse had told me that usually the Dr was not present during the birth but my Dr came in and said that he was going to spend that night at the hospital and he promised me that he would be there for the birth. Around 1 am I started having strong contractions that got progressively worse. The nurse said that I would only have to dilate to a 4 or 5 and that the baby would just come out. They kept offering me Stadol but I wanted to feel everything and be able to remember exactly how everything happened. I started having back labor like I did with Nate and the contractions were right on top of each other. The nurse came in a 4 am and checked me and said that I was somehow only at a 1 but the contractions were about 2 minutes apart and off the charts. At 8 am the dr decided to double my cytotec and started talking about the possibility of a c-section. He said that the baby was too big for a D&C and I needed to see the baby and know what it was. I was miserable in pain but still refused to take any meds. My worse fear was that I would not know that it was time and would get up to use the bathroom and would have the baby in there. I made the nurse check me every time before I would get out of bed. Around 9 my Dr came in and said that he was going to take the meds out because I was in such pain and the contractions were non stop and see if my body would take over. He checked me and I was at a 4 so he felt that it would not be much longer. 9:30 I was at a 6 and he could not believe that the baby had not been born yet. They had me get up and walk around to try to get her to move down. At 10 I was dilated to a full 10 and the baby had moved down but was not coming out. I could not push because he was afraid that I would start bleeding and have to be taken to emergency surgery and was offering me the epi. I refused to take it. At 10:40 the dr decided that he was going to have to reach in and take the baby out with his hands as she was not coming out on her own. At 10:44 he said the most beautiful and most painful words I have ever heard, "the baby it out, and it is a girl". He said that the cord was very short so they clamped it off and asked if I wanted to see my baby girl.
I cannot begin to explain how scared I was at that point but she was absolutely beautiful. Brad and I got to hold her for about 30 minutes before they took her. We baptized her which was absolutely heartbreaking. The nurse was crying when she came in and said that my dr was going to take her down for me so that I was absolutely sure that she was being taken good care off. I will never forget him walking out the door with my baby. They hospital took pics of her for us and gave us a memory box with the pictures, handprints and footprints, her bracelet, a gown and hat and some books in it.
They took her for an autopsy and came back to deliver the placenta which still had not delivered itself. They started me on pitocin and nothing happened. My dr said that it was good that I had dilated to a 10 because they had to open me up and manually deliver the placenta. I got a small tear along my scar from tearing with Nate during this. They did an ultrasound which showed a blood clot so my dr went back in and got this out. He felt comfortable at that time that everything had came out.
I finally took some pain meds after it was all over to try to get some sleep. I was so confused at what I wanted to do. On one hand, I needed to get home to see and hold Nate but on the other hand it was painfully heart wrenching to think about leaving my baby girl at the hospital alone. I got released that night and came home to some very hard questions from Nate. As most of you know, he was still nursing once a day and my dr said that if he nursed at all my milk would probably come back in. (I had dried up). I did not want this so we told Nate that he could not have his duckies at least for a couple of days and he said "why, because the baby needs them?" We told him that the baby had went to heaven. He started crying and asked why and said "I just want baby Leni back in your belly so she can grow big and strong." He cried and cried. He asked if he hurt her when he jumped on me and my broken heart broke even more.
Leni Grace was born on 5/18/10 at 10:44 am. She was the most beautiful baby girl that I have ever seen. She was 2 oz and 7 inches long. I will forever cherish the time that I got to hold her and tell her how much I loved her. I would not trade all of my pain for those precious moments with her.
Leni Grace, Mommy will forever love you and remember you.
Monday, May 17, 2010
And just like that my world came to a crashing halt
I had not felt the baby move all weekend so today I called my dr to come in and hear a heartbeat. The nurse did not seem concerned at all but set me up for an appointment. I got there at 2:45 and the nurse said the dr will be right in and you will get to hear your heartbeat. I am 17 weeks so there was no fear from anyone that there would not be a heartbeat. Dr Jones came in and put the doppler on my belly. Nothing... moved it around...nothing...at this point my heartbeat was coming through so loud he said that it would be hard to hear the babies so he rushed me back to ultrasound. He had said that he had cleared me a spot in ultrasound so that after I heard the heartbeat I could see the baby moving around. Only this time, when he pulled the baby up on the screen there was no movement...no heartbeat. I don't understand why this keeps happening to me. I don't understand why I do everything by the pregnancy books but my body cannot protect my babies. I don't understand. I have to go to the hospital to be induced and will say hello and goodbye to my sweet baby all in the same day.
Monday, April 12, 2010
He finally said it!
We have been working with Nate on learning his alphabet for a looooong time. Everyday we sing the alphabet song to him but when I would ask him to sing it he would always says that he didn't know how. Friday, I had to work late and Brad called me and said that he was pretty sure that Nate just said his ABC's. He said that they were in the McDonald's drive through getting milkshakes and he heard Nate singing and that was what he was singing. We asked him to sing it again and he ignored us. Well, last night, Nate and I were laying in bed and all of a sudden he breaks into singing his alphabet! The only letters he missed where "D, E, F and G!" He is getting to be such a big boy!
Friday, March 26, 2010
The sweetest thing that Nate has ever said!
Today, we were playing in Nate's playroom and we were listening to his music. Lady Antebellum's Never Alone came on. I always tell Nate that he and I are going to dance to this song when he gets married. When it came on I asked him when we were going to dance to this song and he said "when we get married Mommy!" Daddy said "no Nate. When YOU get married." Nate looked at him like he was crazy and said "Yes Daddy, when me and mommy get married". Melted my heart and you better believe I will be reminding him of this conversation in about 25 years!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Happy St Patricks Day!
And in honor of St Patty's Day, Nate added some green and yellow marker to our kitchen table!
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Day with Momo and Papa!
Today we went to Momo and Papa's house to eat lunch. All of the kids were there so Nate had so much fun!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
First nice day of the year!!!!
Finally a warm day here! We took Nate to the park to fly his kite. He was so excited! He found goose tracks and he was really excited about that!
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Our family
Such concentration!
Play dough family that is.
That would me Mommy, Daddy, Nate, Reese and Glub Glub
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Always a reminder
Today Nate was really trying my nerves. He was refusing to eat, didn't have his listening ears on, didn't want to eat and on and on and on. I had told him that we were going to go to the library that afternoon but I was really not looking forward to it. He was excited about it though so I took him. We were walking out the front door and he reached up and took my hand and said "I lub you Mommy"! A reminder that no matter how hard of a day I have had that I that he is still my sweet little baby.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
"Feel the burn"
Nate likes to help mommy and daddy exercise! The will yell encouragment like "go Mommy", "feel the burn" and "no pain, no gain" from the other roon. But he really likes to be right in the middle of the action and exercise with us. He wanted Brad to wear the football helmet to do his push ups :)
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Bowling night
Daddy teaching Nate how to bowl
"Yay"
A little dancing was involved too!
Look at his cute little shoes!
Of course we had to play the games
First round of tickets
What prize to get?
A football wristband!
Calling Santa again
Remember back in December when Nate was calling Santa on the monitor? Well, today he wanted to call him again and thank him for his gifts! And, this time I go the pics!
Friday, January 8, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
First snow of the year!
We got our first snow of the year! Nate was so excited and loved playing in it but is was freezing cold! We were only able to play for about 10 minutes before no one could feel their fingers and toes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)